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Posted by

u/gurneyhallack

22 hours ago

People with BPD and autism, and Autism Speaks.

I am writing this as a person with autism and PTSD, as well as strong BPD traits. I just wanted to create awareness for anyone with BPD and autism, as well as anyone who is considering supporting Autism Speaks, understandably as without more information it is simply the largest autism charity out there.

They are an absolutely vile organization. They were of started by anyone with autism. Nor does anyone with autism have any leadership position today. Not that I or any person with autism, or any person with a conscience, would have any desire to be involved with Autism Speaks. Here is there them supporting a neo nazi biker gang

Autism Speaks: How Long Does It Take to Look into It?

Here is them supporting the uses of aversives, torture, on autistic people, including the use of electric shocks solely designed to cause pain to force non speaking autistic children to be more "normal"

https://www.autistichoya.com/2013/11/an-unholy-alliance-autism-speaks-and.html

http://ownshrink.com/neurodiversity/autism-speaks-genocide-for-personal-gain/

Here is them supporting anti-vaxers.

ASF Signs on to ASAT’s Open Letter to Autism Speaks

Here is accounts of their shady and criminal accounting practices where there is a good chance people in charge are stealing from people hoping to support those with autism and autistic people both. Note that even officially the top person there, who works for a charity, makes $600,000 a year.

http://autisticbfh.blogspot.com/2009/12/autism-speaks-to-hurricane-victims-what.html

http://adventuresinautism.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-take-back-every-nice-thing-i-have.html

http://www.dudeimanaspie.com/2013/11/the-autism-speaks-truth-be-told-fund.html

Top Earner At Autism Speaks Paid More Than $600,000

Here is them threatening to sue autistic people.

http://disabilityand.me/2015/04/02/autism-speaks-legally-threatens-autistic-adults-during-world-autism-day/

Here is them plagarising and changing the writing of an autistic person.

http://yesthattoo.blogspot.com/2014/01/autism-speaks-are-work-stealing-white.html

Here’s them rescinding a job offer to an autistic person they already gave her after they found out she would need help and accomodation.

https://wjla.com/news/videos/mom-sues-autism-speaks-after-job-offer-is-rescinded-78415

Here is them perpetuating the idea that woman and girls do not have autism.

Why I Joined the Boycott Autism Speaks Movement, Part Two

And here’s some general articles regarding their lies and the damage they have caused.

Sensationalism, disinformation, and Autism Speaks

http://illusionofcompetence.blogspot.com/2012/03/dont-support-autism-speaks.html

https://www.forbes.com/sites/emilywillingham/2013/11/13/why-autism-speaks-doesnt-speak-for-me/#474878ab3152

Why I Joined the Boycott Autism Speaks Movement, Part One

Why I Joined the Boycott Autism Speaks Movement, Part Two

A thoroughly disgusting, damaging organization that has nothing to do with actual autistic people. contrary to its name they are an organization designed to keep autistic people from speaking, instead they are actually an advocacy organization for caretakers and others who want a justification, no matter how flimsy, to believe the person with autism can, or should, be "cured", to control behavior they don’t like, in many cases through methods that can only be described as monstrous, and to steal from the public and those in need of support. One day they will be spoken of in the way we do to the psychiatric system prior to the seventies. Hopefully there will be trials and someone will be held accountable, and hopefully that day comes soon.

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Posted by

u/thisisaryel

2 days ago

Partner of someone with BPD going through something I’ve never encountered before; need advice

First, apologies in advance for how long-winded this is probably going to end up. Second, I’m new here, so please correct me if I use any less-than-ideal terms.

So, first some backstory. My partner and I have been together for going on two years. She has not been “officially” diagnosed with BPD, but her and her therapist are both pretty solid that all the symptoms are there. We currently live together, but she is headed home for the holidays in a few days and we won’t be seeing each other anywhere near as often after that because of college.

To be completely honest, she handles a lot of her symptoms better than most, at least from what I can gather from my experience. She’s very aware of the potential toxicity in relationships that can come with the disorder; this allows her to be able to intentionally suppress the toxic thoughts that come with it and prevent herself from taking them out on other people – namely me in most scenarios. This might be more common than I think, but she’s the first I’ve seen to be able to do such a thing.

Unfortunately, there’s one big symptom that she has an especially difficult time controlling. With anything she’s passionate about, she’ll stick with it for a time, then the passion will spontaneously disappear and she’ll abandon it even if she doesn’t consciously want to. This applies to just about everything – hobbies, friends, relationships, you name it. With personal relationships, the cutoff is generally around the two year mark (ooh, foreshadowing); with hobbies it can be anywhere between a few months and a few weeks.

So this brings me to the issue at hand. We had a quite long conversation last night where she disclosed that the aforementioned issue is staring to happen with me. Because of what she’s been through in her life, I’m probably the first person she’s invested as much passion and energy into as she has, and we’ve both come a long way together from where we’ve met. We love each other to a degree neither of us previously thought possible. Of course, mental illness does not discriminate, and even with all that in mind her brain is starting to tell her to push me away and both emotionally and literally ghost me.

What worries me most is that she thinks going home for the holidays is going to be the tipping point, the point at which her disorder decides it’s had enough of me and cuts me off. And it would be a different scenario if I was the only one who didn’t want that to happen. People grow apart, and I’m not going to contest that if it’s what she really wants. But it’s not. She said herself she doesn’t want this part of her disorder to end our relationship. But she’s terrified it might, and frankly I am too.

So I guess now comes the question. What, if anything, can I do to help her maintain a grip on her logic, the part of her that knows cutting me off is not what she wants to do? Should I stay optimistic, or is there just an inevitable outcome that will make optimism hurt even more?

Thank you for taking the time to read this. We both want to stay together, and I’m honestly scared for her safety if her disorder prevents that from happening.

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Posted by

u/Noirish12

3 days ago

Advice on maintaining friendships during down states

Hi everyone,

I’ll start this post out with I am someone diagnosed and fighting BPD but I consider myself a self-aware borderline. I’ve been in therapy for over a year and have significantly improved. Part of this process has been looking inward at myself and my actions and realizing how toxic I am. While this is most definitely a good thing, I care tremendously about my friends and get incredibly upset when I do something toxic (it’s a work in progress, but I am getting significantly better). I am wondering, from the perspective a friends and loved ones of those with BPD, what action is preferred when such a thing occurs? As I improve, I know I’ll stumble but I want to make sure I don’t hurt my friends more than I already have. So, what would you all suggest when things get hard and I fear hurting them?

So far, informing them I need time to myself for a while has worked but I still worry they think they’ve done something wrong. Is there anything else I can do to ensure the friendship remains healthy while I’m in a bad state?

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Posted by

u/cloudsofdawn

6 days ago

AMA: I was diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago and have been in recovery for over 2. Ask away!

I want to clarify I am not doing this for attention or validation, but rather as a way to create open dialogue and hopefully be able to provide some answers and insight to those looking.

About me: I was diagnosed at age 16, and have been in DBT for over 2 years (I’m not sure of the exact date I started. I’m 19, nearly 20 now and almost all of my symptoms are in remission now. I teach DBT skills to others around me and am as open as possible to others about my experience, the stigma, and treatment. I regularly share information around general mental health and psychology, and teach others about said topics.

End note: I wanted to open up the conversation to those without BPD (or with). I am open to answering questions regarding behaviours, experiences, therapy, skills, treatment as a whole, etc. I am also open to giving advice (based on my opinion, personal experienced and witnessed experiences, as well as background education).

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Posted by

u/CascadianStreetrat

7 days ago

I'm being bullied by someone with BPD

The title makes it sound like I’m in grade school, but I’m in first year college. A classmate that I met in September disclosed to a random group of us that she has BPD. Recently she has been making the lives of myself and two of my fellow classmates extremely difficult.
It started when she began threatening drastic measures. We became concerned and approached a prof, who did what he could do and informed the counselling department. This made her very angry at us. Over the past month she has been threatening to harm herself and blames it on us. She has been telling our profs that we are verbally attacking her, encouraging her negative thoughts and trying to make her drop out as well as telling other students that we are horrible people and to avoid us at all costs. It’s a very long story and it feels a lot like the type of drama that would happen to teenagers, yet here we are.
She won’t tell us what we did wrong, but has been telling other people it has been due to things we’ve been saying. We are sarcastic, but once we discovered that she couldn’t handle it (mid october) we made a point of stopping.
Problem is, she continually verbally beats us and others down. I have tried standing up to her and it has resulted in her storming out of class crying.
I’m not going to go into detail, but it all came to a peak these past couple days. She informed us that she had filed official harassment cases against each of us with student advocacy and is willing to fight this until we are kicked out of school. If we apologize she will think about retracting the statements. I’m at a loss of what to do.
It’s seriously going to impact our futures, and we don’t know how to defend ourselves. When we do, her defense is that she is ill and we are manipulating that against her.
We need help and we want what is best for her.
Tomorrow we are going to talk to one of our profs and try and have our side heard, but we aren’t optimistic. She’s been making up things already, we have no idea what accusations are against us right now.
What should we do and how should we handle this? We legitimately care about her safety and wellbeing, but it’s to the point where we are being beaten down whenever we try and do anything. There are days we don’t go to class because we know she’ll have a better day if we aren’t there and we can’t handle anymore.
How can we respectfully remove ourselves from this situation? Is there any possibility we could end this on positive or even neutral terms?
I’m scared for her and I’m scared for my classmates and I just want this all to be over.
I’m thankful for any tips or responses as I have no idea what to do.

TLDR: A classmate with BPD has decided that my classmates and I are her enemies and is taking potentially legal measure to have us removed from our program.

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Posted by

u/no_thankz

10 days ago

How can I get over my favorite person?

I’m gonna try to keep this short.

My ex and I dated for 3 years, there were some extreme ups and downs because of both of our mental healths, I have borderline personality disorder. We broke up a few months ago now. Her being my favorite person is making this seperation very difficult for me.

We still love each other and want to be close friends in the future. I am very dependent on her and I know we can’t build a frienship yet, because there are still some feelings.

Is it possible for me to see her in a normal way? What could I do?

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Posted by

u/msalmiak

11 days ago

Is there hope?

Hi, everyone. I found out about the bpd-related reddit community only a few days ago, and now wish I had known about it before. I originally planned on writing on r/BPDlovedones , since it’s the first board I encountered. I’m not gonna lie, it’s very easy to resonate with the hateful venting at times. Still, I found it to be too spiteful at times and decided to post here, since the general tone seems to be more positive.

Now, here I go. This might get long, but I will forever be grateful to anybody who has the patience to read what I have to express. If not, it might still be a good exercise for me to collect my thoughts. Thank you in advance.

I’m 21F and my pwBPD is 23F. She’s my everything.

We became friends around 4.5 years ago, became best friends along the ride and ended up dating, with some ups and downs and on and off, for around 2 years. Right now we’re officially just friends, but we act very affectionately towards each other and it has ended up in sex a couple times. I’ve been head over heels for her for those two years and I still am, although I’ve never been fully sure what she felt for me.

Sometime around 2 years ago she started being open to me about her mental health issues. BPD was never mentioned, but looking back, she already had several of the symptoms. Back then, we both treated it as depression with anxiety issues. I resonated with her, since I’m diagnosed with GAD. The first year we dated things were very good, but in the second one things got very rocky. She started to have extreme reactions to seemingly "small" matters, and they kept getting worse and worse. It seemed like I was always messing up. I spent all my time worrying about her and how she was feeling, what I should and should not do, what should and should not say and so on. I feel like I lost my own self along the way.

This past summer, things exploded because I lied to her. That is absolutely my fault and I never should have. I’d do anything to take all those things back. I was so afraid of her reactions towards me and towards herself that I ended up building a net of lies and secrets that destroyed things when they came out. I hid from her the fact that I told my mom about the situation because I felt truly scared of what I was facing on my own. I hid that I told a mutual friend of her issues because she was suicidal and not knowing what to do was driving me insane. Since I confided in that mutual friend, mistakingly believing that he was someone she trusted and would be ok with, I ended up relying on him on two occasions when things got bad. She felt betrayed by both of us, but especially me, for all of this. I confessed to every single thing two months ago, but her trust for me was never the same.

With all of this happening, things just kept getting worse. The frequency and aggresiveness of her outbursts got worse than ever before, and so did her self-harm. She also started to be very verbally hostile to me when she got angry. It seems like not one day went by without her exploding. I never knew what to do in those situations. If I did nothing, she got angry, if I tried to comfort her, she pushed me away and told me to shut up and not to touch her, and if I left the room and tried to get my mind of things to give her some space, she’d get angrier at me for "acting as if nothing was happening". She keeps mentioning and threatening suicide and I am terrified. I have had to forcefully take away pens, rulers, knives, cutters and even a hammer from her. Even without them, she scratches herself or hits her head against the wall or floor.

After the outbursts, I finally calm her down somehow and tell her things will be better (because I truly wish for it, and because, maybe foolishly, I believe they will), but when something else happens, things are even worse than before. I used to feel like I was walking on eggshells, now I feel like I’m walking on landmines. Even writing this, I’m scared of her finding it and telling me I’m a liar and a horrible person for talking about her to strangers, even if it’s anonymous.

Right now, we’re spending the weekend apart and I will go back home to her tomorrow evening. We live together in a room of a shared flat with other housemates. I know I need to be away from her to assess things, and that it should be ok to ask for distance. Still, she always twists things to say that I’m abandoning her. Even the past week, when she had packed things up and said she was leaving to her mom’s. I followed her and told her I wanted her to stay when she was waiting for her mom to come, but she pushed me inside the house and closed the door. Before that, she forcefully took my phone and deleted our conversation and her and her faimily’s contacts from it. She "hated me", so I told myself it was best for her, that she’d be unhappy with me and that I was killing her if I kept her with me. I let her go. Then, a while later, she came barging in with her things and ended up saying that I was the one abandoning her for not stopping her when she was packing her things.

I am terrified because of her suicidal tendencies. I want to call her and see if she’s fine, but the last thing she said to me was that she didn’t want me to contact her. If I do, and she didn’t want me to, she’ll explode. If I do and she wanted me to, she’ll explode. If I don’t and she wanted me to, she’ll explode. I haven’t texted her and it’s eating me up inside, but I truly don’t know what to do. I feel like I might come home tomorrow and find her dead inside the room and that it will be my fault. But that will be so everytime we are apart, and I can no longer sacrifice everything and everyone around me to try to save someone who doesn’t let herself be saved. She isn’t in therapy, she has rejected treatment for most of our time together. A while ago she finally gave in, but last time I mentioned it to her when we were talking she got angry and told me that "therapy was the only thing I knew to bring up when I had nothing else to say for myself". I am completely lost.

So, after this very depressing post, I somehow still have hope inside me. Hope that things can be better. That she will go to therapy and we can both learn how to be happy like we used to. My question to anybody who has read up to this point (thank you, if you are there), is if there’s any advice or feedback they’d give. Advice based on my own situation, or just things that have helped better the relationship with their pwBPD. Any advice on how to work on trust issues would be especially appreciated.

Again, thank you if anybody got to this point. See you soon.

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Posted by

u/BIPOne

11 days ago

The ex-ex dillema

Breakup happened 2.5 months ago, about. There was one moment where she successfully hoovered me as I promised "that I changed". But it was too late, trust was lost, I was too pissed with her sudden, "one moment to the other breakup" because she had "too little freedom", and I indeed changed too much, too wary and observing of her behaviour, and we only saw each other face to face 3 times in those 3 weeks we were "back together".

She broke to me the news she is pregnant, which was expected, as we both planned for it [in my mirrored and idolized and projected stupor she put me in, that witch!] and suddenly not her child she wanted but I forced her, then seconds later its her "little honey baby, best thing in her life", bla bla.

Cut story short, blackmailing, exploiting, trying to scare and threaten me with child custody and "seeing rights" etc and pp. I snapped, told her how sick and mad she is [BPD and psychotic diagnosis confirmed in mental hospital] and she cursed me and called me sick.

SKIP.

After a sudden 2months total no contact, I did never even try to get intel about her or info or contact her in any way, now, a total of 3 months, later comes the accusation of giving her an bacterial STD, thru the last mutual friend we had, not even her directly. Addresses me as "tell that dirtbag he gave me an STD".

She had a love triangle with a hooker woman and her boyfriend who since broke up. They are still friends albeit him being the reason she tried suicide by overdose [attention seeking suicide apparently] and went to a hospital. He kept mocking her via text messages.

During our time together thereafter, after she told me all this, she reeastablished contact, which attributed to the breakup.

I have now cut EVERY tie possible; noone we both know can reach me on the phone, or via email or social media. I’ve pulled my ass up and went thru with it.

My question that keeps bugging me and neither my lawyer nor my therapist can answer: Why is she so mean to me, even though I hardly did anything. I only told her the truth, and before that, carried her on my open arms, sat her on a throne, she was a goddess for me.

Why does she hate me, father of her child [which is sometimes unwanted, then suddenly she NEEDS it apparently].

Is it possible for the borderline ex to devalue ME but still see her ex [who is a REAL mean person, I’ve met him twice] before me in a "good light" albeit all the bad they did?

Her BPD seems to have gotten really bad after the pregnancy announcement – she was all cool and happy with me in this LDR BS, and the day she found out, BAM, it went downhill to the grave within 48 hours.

Is she maybe suffering from a severe psychosis too, as she has the tendency [according to doctors]?

I am still obsessed with it, but I want no contact. I just desperately seek a answer thats more than 50-50, ya know. Just not getting an answer as to how someone so BAD as the other guy STILL is in her heart, whilst I gave everything but my life for her, is what makes this so tuff

Can you feel me?

Thx.

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Posted by

u/I_See_Ghostwriters

13 days ago

BPD and Emotional Cheating

Are you still with him?

Did he propose?

When you needed me I was right there but when i needed you, you were no where to be found

Where do I begin?

I am a 22 M who is caught in a love triangle with a 22F. She is my coworker and she has a boyfriend. One night we got intimate in my car and I was rubbing her back and asking her questions. She tells me the next day she has a boyfriend. We argue a lot about our relationship. She says she only views me as a friend but we she is very flirtatious when we text. I have expressed. a lot of my deepest thoughts to her and I have told her how much of an emotional investment it is for me to open up to people. She says she shares her deepest thoughts with all of her friends and she doesnt think too much of our conversations.

A few days ago, she told me that she has BPD. I think it affects how she treats me and I feel that there are a lot of games that a being played.

Today we got into an argument about how she feels about me. She has stated that in an alternate universe we could be together and that she is attracted to me but she is choosing not to act on those feelings.I accused her of using me as an emotional dumpster and I told her we couldn’t be friends because of my feelings for her.

I am writing this in the hopes of improving my self. I am lost in a sea of new emotions. I am going to say I feel inferior. I feel weak as a person at this moment. I have deep feeling for her that just aren’t rational. What am I falling for? Why do I get so angry with her? Why do I feel so close to her? Why? I feel a peak in my mood whenever I am around her. There are times of bliss and happiness when I am around her. I guess my sense of loneliness makes me feel entitled to having her as my girlfriend. I am not even sure if I want her as my girlfriend. I just want her to feel the same way I do. As we get closer, my desire for intimacy builds higher and higher. I wish we could be physically close as we are emotionally close. The disparity is what brings me so much sorrow and pain. But she gets me. She understands pain and mental illness. We talk about our insecurities and our fears. I have never exposed this side of my character to anyone before so this means a lot to me. At the same time, these are just normal parts of the human experience that I have not had yet. I feel like a child because of this. But maybe I am one with the way I handle my emotions. I snapped on her yesterday because of this compulsive thought that I was being used. Used. Why do I fear being used some much? I just do not understand our relationship. To me we are close. Closer than I have been with any one else before. I may be mistaking this emotional openness with romantic feelings. I wish I didn’t get upset with you yesterday. I am suffering from depression. I lost it on you because I was worried that you were using me for emotional comfort. That you were using me so you didn’t have to be alone. You were using me because your boyfriend is treating you well. These thoughts consume my mind.

I can write a 4 page letter about how I feel and I don’t think it would make much of a difference.She claims that some of the stuff she did she only did because she thought her relationship was over. She is happy in her relationship with him and you do not want to start over, for whatever reason, it is her choice. I want my suffering to end. I have to find a way to become a better version of myself so I can handle my on emotional problems and still be vulnerable to be emotionally open with you. If we truly are meant to be friends thats ok. If our emotional connection is normal for two friends then so be it. Our talks bring clarity to some of my issues and I don’t want to lose that.

There’s a big part of me that wants to say fuck it all. Maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe we just keep our business at work. Maybe I am too immature to be with grown woman like you. Regardless of what it may be, it is time for me to change again. I am not sure who I want to be at the end of this or when I am expecting this change to occur but I know this change is vital for me to comprehend my feelings for you.

I believe that I need to pursue relationships with other women but I want to keep her in my life. I ultimately believe that we will explore our attraction at some point. But it will require so growth on my part. Are my feelings justified? Do you believe she has feelings for me or she just wants a friend? How does BPD affect her behavior?

Tl;dr: 22M caught in love triangle with 22F coworker. She told me she has BPD. I feel like she is conflicted about her feeling toward me. She wants to keep me as a friend. I enjoy our openness and I want to build myself and pursue other women while she gets her affairs in order. I am not sure if she truly has feelings for me, if she just wants a friend, or she is playing games.

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Posted by

u/fergeek

15 days ago

She stormed out of couple's therapy

We have been seeing a couples therapist since July weekly and tonight the therapist asked her point blank if I can ever do anything to make her happy. She got up and grabbed her bag and told the therapist ‘obviously fucking not’ then she stormed out of the building.
This is the first time this has happened and the therapist apologised to me for pushing her too far and causing her to walk out.

What we were talking about before she stormed off was the fact that she hates it when she gives me advice and I don’t take it or when we argue I defend my position by trying to justify or deny stuff which yes I have done in the past but I’m trying to not do this as much or at all.

The therapist suggested after she left to stay silent in altercations and validate her instead of having a normal conversation.

Is it possible to have a 2 sided disagreement with a borderline? Or is it always going to be her talking at me and when I get my back up she breaks up with me?

Thanks

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Posted by

u/ThrowawayBPD4

15 days ago

How do you deal with the lies?

Reading the stigmatizing subreddit (I believe we all know which one I am talking about) how do you deal with people who are lying?

I have an exfriend on there posting lies about me and our relationship. They lied to me for 3 months and decided to be all around shitty, yet they are going on there posting about how I was the liar and how I was the one who did shitty things, when really all I ever asked for is to not be disrespected and to be told the truth.

My question to those with bpd, how do you deal with the fact that there is an entire sub dedicated to the stigmatization of your mental illness? I genuinely lost what I thought was a good friend because they went on there and presumably read a bunch of posts from people who believe that we aren’t humans deserving of love and respect, then they twist it back and gaslight us into thinking we are the problem.

I guess it is my fault for trusting somebody with this diagnosis.

Even after taking the blame for their deceit and gaslighting, I am the one who is manipulative.

I feel like they leeched off me for years.. I was always supportive of them despite how many lies and anxiety they gave me, and one sub is an echochamber that exploits people who are hurting.

It just gets tiring to be blamed for everything when all I ever want is honesty and respect. I know it’s a lot to expect from humans but… Damn. I thought we were past lumping all mentally ill people into a category.

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Posted by

u/ThrowawayBPD4

17 days ago

One piece of advice I'd give to new BPD, don't tell people

I know that this might seem like negative advice but this is based on my personal experience. No matter much you trust someone as a BPD, do not tell them you have BPD until you have a strong, lasting therapist to help you. It will most likely end bad for you. Most people don’t know what it is and it’s highly stigmatized already. Without a therapist, if you tell people and they leave you, you won’t have the skills necessary to get through it.

If you do tell them be aware that it might lead to the end of your relationship with them.

I’ve been in intense therapy for over a year now, as soon as I connected the dots of my mental illness and so far it’s cost almost my marriage and one of my good "friends."

I trusted them too much with this information but they ended up judging and being overall bad people. I’ve been lied to, accused of demands I never made and just now got a fucked up letter based on misconceptions of bpd, ending the toxic "friendship."

Now that I have skills I am able to handle it and recognize my mistake but I highly suggest keeping your mental illness to yourself until you have gotten mental help so you can learn ways to cope with the loss of a loved one.

It’s super frustrating that personally I am a very loving person, but I used to let my emotions run me, now it’s the opposite. And yet people will leave you despite how much you have supported them and their mental illness just because of the stigma behind it.

Again, this is only for people who just found out their diagnosis. If you have a strong support system unlike me then this advice isn’t for you. But please, please take care of yourself before trusting someone with this info. It will save your life.

PS if you do tell somebody you trust and they bail on you, don’t bother trying to win them back. Let them leave you. Don’t validate them with a response. It’s not worth it and you’re ultimately better off without them in your life because you deserve respect like other humans. Just bc you have a really complicated and sometimes toxic mental illness doesn’t necessarily mean you deserve to be treated like garbage. Take care of yourself before anyone else.

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Posted by

u/confusedbpdlove

18 days ago

My BFpwBPD now insists we were always only just friends and is distant now. Relationship never happened??

Back in October I messed up with my boyfriend with PWD and he needed a break. We were apart almost a month and then he came back, said he forgave me, was giving me another chance (which he said he’s never done for ANYONE before), and still loved me. All seemed good at that point.

A few days after that he started pulling away fast, said things have changed and he no longer feels the same way towards me. He told me he usually forgets people at this point but he is going to try hard to make things work. He then said everything is fine don’t worry. One week after that, a few nights ago, we spent time together and says we were only ever just friends. He literally acts like almost everything we had together never happened. I brought up specific things about him loving me, romantic stuff that happened, etc and he just downplayed it like it was just a friend thing — which makes no sense. He told me he still cares about me more than he’s ever cared about anyone though. We then had a conversation about possibly starting a relationship (as if we never had one before) and he decided he’s "not ready for a relationship". His main explanation was that if something went wrong he’d block me from his life like everyone else.

Does that sound like he did some kind of devaluation but consciously put effort to put me into a ‘friendzone’ to keep from hating me or something? Early in the relationship before I knew he had bpd he sat me down and talked about how no matter what happens between us I’ve been more special to him than anyone in his life so he won’t erase me or hate me like he has with everyone else. I was so confused then but I’m thinking it’s related to this.

It’s like major cognitive dissonance and altering of memory or something. I’ve hardly seen him since this all began. I’m so confused and hurt.

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Posted by

u/HereiGoAgainX4evr

19 days ago

Making Plans

So. For as long as I can remember, I am the one making the plans. My pwBPD doesn’t suggest them (like ever).

In fact, in the nearly 6 years we’ve been involved I can not recall a single instance where he came-out and made a plan for the 2 of us.

But who’s fault is this? MINE!!! Because I continually make the plans & let-it-go.

I’ve expressed my disappointment w/this. I’ve told him I would appreciate feeling wanted & desired once in awhile. I’ve told him my feelings on this matter.

Thing is: I KNOW HE WANTS TO SPEND TIME but can’t bring himself to be vulnerable and open to perceived rejection.

So here’s my question: right now I want to wait until he makes a plan. For as long as it takes, I want to bide my time and see if it ever happens. Is this wrong? Is this game-playing? If so, what else can be done to address this situation?

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Posted by

u/thisisfine505

20 days ago

Advice on waiting things out?

My GFwBPD wants to seek therapy and medication, but her insurance doesn’t kick in for the next few months. In the meantime, she says really hurtful things to me and is hyper critical of everything I do. Talking about things is very difficult/impossible because she dissociates when she thinks I’m upset with her and then has a panic attack. It’s like she’s hurting me but I know she can’t see it, and attempting to see it is too much for her to handle in her current state.

We both have anxiety/depression issues abusive childhoods, but she has PTSD and I do not, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have been in therapy and on medication since I was 17 (she is 21 and I am 20) while she’s never been able to. We met in her home state, my family (and thus stressers) are far away. I met her after just escaping my abusive home, while she is still essentially stuck in contact with her abusive family and her triggers because we live in her hometown. Moving in together has helped, but she’s still surrounded by stressors.

When I’m in a really bad place mentally, I worry that she’ll give up on/quit therapy before things can get better. Often I’ll get resentful and start avoiding her and thinking about how awful she is to me. But I know she loves me, and that she wants help and has wanted it before she even met me. I feel guilty for having opportunities she hasn’t (being able to leave my mom, having therapy and medication, etc.)

In the meantime I’m trying to remember to take care of myself so I don’t accidentally hurt her. She’s nice to me and seems to enjoy herself when her friends are over (which is often, and I enjoy it very much since her friends have become my friends as well. but I know once we’re alone she’s miserable again) when she’s high, or when we’re having sex. I think the high part is a good sign, since I’ve used weed to help with my anxiety before I was put on medication that made me have to quit all alcohol/drugs. I feel like the fact that she’s happy to be around me when she’s able to relax (around friends, when high, during sex) means that once she’s on a good anxiety medication, she’ll be happier in general and so will our relationship.

Medication helped me work on myself in therapy because I felt less overwhelmed, and thus able to actually take advice from my therapist that seemed impossible before. I don’t think medication or therapy are a "magic fix" by themselves, or even together. But I know she’s an extremely hard working and smart person, and that if she sticks with it she can get better.

I want her to get better for her more than I do for me, but I also feel selfish because I almost feel like I "miss" her when she becomes aggressive. Like I want her back even though she’s still present, and only becoming aggressive because she’s in a lot of pain.

My issue right now is that I know it’s going to be a while until she’s able to get treatment, and who knows how long it will take to find the right therapist/medication and if she will have the energy to stick with it/keep looking. Until then, she says a lot of hurtful things to me, it’s hard to get things done that we need to get done (from making plans to go out to doing housework, she sees things as "ruined" as soon as anything goes wrong and shuts down or berates me), and she’s not capable of talking things out without triggering her PTSD.

I’ve been told I "never get mad" by most people (even her, even though she is terrified that I will be mad at her). But I do get mad, I just never really express it. I was taught to just "take" things and that expressing anger gets me punished. But I’m afraid I’ll snap at her and say something hurtful. Or that she’ll sense how unhappy I am and think the best thing to do will be to leave me and hurt herself in the process. I’m trying to remain hopeful but I’m scared of the uncertainty, and being on the receiving end of her aggression so often (being called stupid, told i ruin things, feeling like the source of/responsible for her happiness despite constantly disappointing her) is making me depressed and resentful.

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Posted by

u/TheMarrowOfaBone

23 days ago

The 5th break up happened.

We’re to begin…
Hi Reddit, I’ve been here before and thought I would never visit this site again but oh boy was I wrong.

It’s 01:34 in the night here, she packed allmost all of her stuff, called a friend and left without hesitation.

One minute we were cuddling, the other she went up, called me cold hearded and that I will never find someone who loves me like she did.

I almost lost 2 jobs because of this illness she has, had multiple breakdowns of the almost everyday acurance of nonsense, my mother died of cancer a few months back, i am desperately searching for a new place to rent, while beeing the only one who earns money, cause she can’t work and doesn’t get any help from her parents either.

I am just emotionely drained and can’t believe that this happened so often.

Not one single therapy was finished, appointments are reguraly canceled, won’t leave the house unless she absolutely has to and the list goes on.

I am blamed for everything at anytime, while having her entire weight and mine on my shoulders.

She questioned why we wouldn’t get intimate anymore and didn’t understood the answer: That she emotionally drained everything positive out of someone, who usually always is positive.

It’s always the same.
I end up in a dark room after she leaves, knowing about the consequences of untreated BPD and yet I search for the mistakes on my own.

I don’t love her anymore, I don’t care, I don’t understand her. (That’s what she says.

Everytime.

I once thought I was invincible and a stone at the sea, ready to take on wave after wave, I guess I got too many cracksfrok careing too much.

I hate this emptiness and silence afterwards.

She will never understand the things I had to endure for her and even after all her family pushed her away (for canceling every attempt to therapy), I was still there.

I had to endure my mother’s death, work full time, search for a new place, cope with the Instabile behavior of my father and love a untreated person with BPD, while pushing all of the above aside for her.

Thanks for reading.

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Posted by

u/starlordinfinite

23 days ago

Am I doing the right thing? I am trying to move on. I keep doubting if I should try again and make us work

I posted my experience after my pwBPD ex-girlfriend broke up with me in /r/BPDlovedones . After posting I was going through a lot of the posts in the group. The general tone is pretty grim when it comes to the future of dating someone with BPD. I have found that there is a positive tone in this group and so I have a few questions. I genuinely believe that it is a form of communication issue and way of perceiving and dealing with emotions differently. I do absolutely understand that the consequences sometimes might seem outright cold, hurtful and cruel. But I really do believe that we could have made it work. Could we have? (I know she has moved and probably wont ever come back). But I really need to know..

Also, how successful are therapies?

Here is my post from /r/BPDlovedones for your quick reference:

It is not very optimistic but I’m compassionate throughout.

How I am dealing with feelings after my pwBPD ex-partner broke up with me from BPDlovedones

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Posted by

u/princesscorncob

23 days ago

Step Mom says BPD Dad is suicidal.

My Dad has BPD and lives in Idaho, as does my Step Mom. They’re in the process of getting a divorce and haven’t lived together for over a year.

I recieved a text from my Step Mom yesterday informing me that my Dad has been drinking all weekend, (he’s an alcoholic but has recovered several times and is back off the wagon) and told her that he is thinking of ending it all.

My Step Mom wants me to call and talk to my Dad. She says she has contacted his psychologist and left a message to inform them of his recent behavior, (he has also been seeking relationships with people online and has sent over $2,000 to one lady). She hasn’t recieved a call back.

I don’t want to talk to my Dad and told my Step Mom as much and advised her to contact his psychologist, any social worker he might have, (he gets treatment from the VA) and call the non emergency police line for a welfare check.

I think he needs to go back to rehab.

I live out of state so there really isn’t much I think I can do and I am not in a good emotional place myself right now.

Is there anything else I can do? Despite the complicated relationship I have with my Dad, I love him and I don’t want him to die.

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Posted by

u/HereiGoAgainX4evr

24 days ago

He Seemed Receptive

I found this sub through the sidebar of /r/BPDlovedones . The angle here is more positive & hopeful. Reading only the horror stories left me with a wound in my chest. It’s so final! I mean: am I just f&#ked if I love this person? I’m supposed to go ‘No Contact’ even if it’s ruining my happiness? How does that make sense?

I’ve been diagnosed with Bi-Polar for 16 years. For the most part I have it managed with counseling, meds, exercise, diet and supplements. But I’m still not always the easiest person to live with.

So I thought to myself: How can I hope-for and expect acceptance/fairness/equality from others if I’m not willing to show that same respect to someone with BPD?

My person has never been officially diagnosed with BPD but he matches the criteria perfectly. We were together officially for 4 years and we’ve been on-and-off for the past 2 years. I know him very well.

Just tonight (after a few days no contact) I told him he may be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I did so diplomatically and sensitively. And to my abject shock, he seemed to quietly agree with me! I think his psychologist Mother may have told him the same thing judging by the way he reacted. He even said something receptive towards treatment. It was a peaceful discussion.

I know it’s a loooooong road. Maybe he’s merely placating me for the moment and has no intentions of seeking a change. Maybe he CAN’T get better if I’m still in the picture. There are no promises. But our discussion tonight felt a lot better than willfully forcing myself to discard him.

Clearly I can’t be with him if he doesn’t get treatment – I can’t handle the volatility at this point in my life. But to those who know more: how should I proceed from here? I’m sure I already did something wrong by diagnosing him in the first place but how else would a pwBPD ever have enough self-awareness to figure it out?

I’m grateful for this community (and the BPDlovedones). It’s nice to know there’s a name for all the shit that went down and all the games that were played. Because even though the bad times are really bad, the good times are really, really good.

Whatever the case, happy to keep learning.

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Posted by

u/EmotionalSupportBin

28 days ago

How to tell friend with BPD that I'm struggling to support her right now?

Hi all! I hope this is relevant to the sub; I’ve tried googling for help but I’m not finding much.

So I’ve been best friends with this girl for ~11 years. We’ve been living on opposite ends of the country for the last 8 years. I’ve been supporting her when she’s feeling suicidal either by phone/text or social media for that time period. I’m also a sounding board for less serious things like guys she’s got a crush on, etc.

Since I had major surgery almost 4 years ago I’ve been struggling with low moods and sometimes suicidal ideation. I kept it from her until just before Easter this year when she was in an ok period and I ended up being signed off work because of my mental health. Since telling her I haven’t really spoken to her about it, just sort of mentioned seeing a counsellor in passing.

The past couple of weeks have been really difficult. I’m having to look for a new counsellor because I’ve reached the end of the number of sessions I can have with this one. I got a referral to a charity that deals with sexual abuse survivors and when I called them they started asking for details about my abuse/assault, which I wasn’t ready for at all. My grandfather is showing signs of Alzheimer’s and went missing for a few hours two weeks in a row. I (accidentally) burned my hands, which is something my father used to make me do as punishment, so I’ve been facing those memories and nightmares almost constantly because of the pain. I’ve been dealing with threats from my ex landlady because I sent her a letter saying if she didn’t pay my deposit back I’d take her to court (she’s threatened to put in a complaint about me to my employer if I don’t drop it amongst other threats, and I’ve gotten 3 emails a week along these lines). I was supposed to see a specialist to find out if I need another surgery, but the appointment got cancelled at the last minute and now I have to wait another couple of months (I’ve been quite stressed about this). I got told that the funding for my project will not be renewed and so I’m out of a job come January.

During this time I’ve been getting a lot of requests for support from my friend. A lot of it has to do with a guy she’s been seeing and how she’s freaking out worrying that he doesn’t actually like her, but also her grandfather’s been unwell (it was touch and go whether he’d make it for a couple of days), and she had an appointment where a nurse asked her a lot of questions about her sexual abuse, which she wasn’t ready for. Her counsellor went on holiday. She’s been really struggling with suicidal ideation.

There are two issues:

1) It’s gotten to the point that when I hear a text notification I start panicking. She doesn’t just text everything all at once though; she’ll send a sentence or two in each text so my phone will go off anything from 3-12 times in a row in quick succession. I’m flinching when this is happening because I know it’s her and the more there are the more likely it is I have to drop talking with my family about where my grandfather could be/trying to do housework that’s been triggering old memories due to the pain in my hands and spend a couple of hours trying to talk her out of drinking bleach. I mean obviously I really don’t want her to harm herself but it’s taking me longer and longer to work myself up to opening the messages/responding because I’m having mild panic attacks when my phone goes off, and then if I don’t respond right away she won’t answer my calls/texts for a couple of hours and I’m spending that time worrying that I left it too long to call/text. I need her to at the very least only send one text so the notifications stop sending me into a panic attack, but preferably phone me so we can talk it over and I don’t sit there waiting for her to respond wondering what to do.

2) I need a safeword. I need to know that she has someone else she can call, and that if what she’s talking about is triggering my own issues (like her wanting to talk about the nurse asking her detailed questions about her abuse the day after I had the same thing with a counsellor’s receptionist) I can just use the safeword and she’ll move on to whoever/whatever plan b is (once she’s put one in place).

The thing is I know that if I say to her that sometimes I can’t manage to support her as it’s starting to affect my mental health, she’ll hear "I don’t like you and never want to hear from you again." This is part of why I’m finding supporting her during my bad days so stressful; I know that if I don’t put a lot of thought and care into how I phrase things she’ll read it as me not caring (struggling to think of an example, but maybe if I don’t word ‘you’ll be ok, you can do this’ exactly right on her worst days she can read that as ‘this problem isn’t worth my time’. A poor example but I’m trying to avoid getting into something more involved.)

So how can I phrase this without her taking it the wrong way/triggering her fears of abandonment?

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Posted by

u/astroweasel

1 month ago

She says she's been avoiding me

My BPDSO and I will have been together 3 years next month. From the beginning she was clear that (a) she needed an open relationship and (b) she needed enough space that she wasn’t "move in together" material. I was fine with both of those, but for the last several months I’ve been lucky to see her once a week. 90 percent of the time if we make plans after work, she will cancel (usually in the last hour of her workday which ends an hour earlier than mine). Sex has fallen off to once a month, the first time we see each other after her cycle ends. (This pattern has held every month from May to October) A couple days ago she told me what I already knew, that she had been resisting spending time with me because I was asking too much of her. She pointed out that my friend group has been much less socially active the last year, and that as there are fewer karaoke nights and pub crawls because we’re all 40, she feels enormous pressure to turn up for me even when she isn’t emotionally available (God knows how often she would cancel without that pressure).

Her dad died about a month before we started dating (it was what got her dating again instead of just being satisfied with her married FWB–and before you ask, yes I’ve met the wife and it’s all above board), and the whole month of October utterly destroys her. I’m trying to be empathetic, because I will never know what it’s like to have that total inability to regulate your emotions. But it fuckin’ sucks to have plans yanked out from under me week after week and then be told after months that I’ve gotten clingu

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Posted by

u/borderlinesweet

1 month ago

Message from former borderline

Hi everyone,

I used to have bpd but I’ve recovered and since then I’ve started living a brand new life. Sometimes I slip up but most of the time I act like any other normal person who struggles with a little post traumatic stress disorder.

I am writing this to remind you all that it’s okay to leave. Because people left me I was passionate about changing and getting better. Leaving people became like leaving behind bad habits for me, with every person that left I learned something new and how to better myself and be a less abusive person.

So if you’re afraid of leaving and you would like them to get better, well then go. It hurts like hell but it’s definitely a motivator in getting better.

Also, a fun reminder that we do change, we do get well, and we can recover. That in no way means you have to come back and stay. You’re okay.

If you have bpd, things can get better and you can change. Through dbt, medication, and talk therapy you can get well. When you do you’ll have so many people who like you for you and who stay because you’re awesome. You can change and things will get better.

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Posted by

u/celebral_x

1 month ago

Could this help?

I am a BPD and even tho I have myself quite under control, there are still things, that I do that hurt my SO.

I copied the list with all the negative behaviors stated somewhere in the break-up-guide of the subreddit r/BPDlovedones and send it to my fiance.

I want him to highlight the ones he thinks I do and we will have a look at the list, but only one issue at a time, so I don’t get overwhelmed.

I also wrote out the symptoms and my thoughts about them, if they affect me, if they still happen or not and wanted him to do the same.

I also suggested to have a safe word for these reoccuring negative behaviors I do and a safe phrase for when I am self-sabotaging myself.

I really try to understand myself a lot and make him understand, too. Of course this is not only the focus of our relationships, he has his edges and small issues, like every other human being. We work both on our problems, but mines happen to be more extreme and those decide the most if the relationship is going strong or not.

We will see in the evening, how this turns out, I hope I will be positive until the end of day.

What are your thoughts? Every feedback is welcome, especially when you had a situation like this yourself.

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Posted by

u/Loki1913

2 months ago

my heart is breaking

my fiance has BPD and CPTSD. i knew she had CPTSD when we started dating, and BPD was a more recent diagnosis. she told me about this sub a while ago, but i’ve never really thought i needed help until recently.

she is my entire world. i hate humans, for the most part, but she has made me reconsider just by being a living example of what humans are capable of. she’s sweet, understanding, brilliant, and capable of seemingly limitless compassion. however, she seems to have no patience or understanding to spare for herself, and she frequently attacks herself with a viciousness that breaks my heart. earlier in our relationship, he used to self-harm. i thought we’d gotten past this, but the behavior has started up again, with no sign of stopping.

i don’t know what to do. i want to spend the rest of my life with this woman, but i want that life to be long and happy, and i don’t know how to protect her from herself. i don’t even know if it’s possible.

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Posted by

u/FuckBigots5

2 months ago

I'm a fuck up.

My mom did a lot of gaslighting when I was younger. It gave me a lot of symptomes not enough to be diagnosed but I got close.

Me and my girlfriend have been through a lot. There was a meeting on the 12th I invited her too. She told me I didnt tell her there was a meeting today. I know I told her it was today and I got really defensive on the phone. Come to find out today wasnt the 12th. I came home. Now she’s justifiably upset. Ive apologized and I expect things to get better with time but what the fuck is wrong with me?

Whenever my mom forgot i told her something she would shove down my throat that I didnt tell her it. I was involved in politics for a while and that attracks a lot of mentally unhealthy people as well. I noticed they do the same thing. So now im at the point where no matter what if I rememver doing something or dont I get extremely defensive when people say otherwise. And I’m freaking the fuck out because I can’t trust my own fucking mind.

How do I not be such a dick about this? How do I move forward?

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